Lives

Listening to some Modest Mouse to pass the long day at work. This song was sticking out to me today for various reasons, some of which I will try to elaborate on here.

I have been meaning to post an update here for awhile now, and this might not be as extensive as I was planning, but better now then never. I GRADUATED! ME?! YES!! I finally kicked those spanish classes in the huevos, jumped through every hoop they threw at me and earned  my degree. I am pretty damn proud of this accomplishment, especially given the fact that it has taken me so long to get to this point and that I worked my keester off, holding down 2 jobs while going to school full time and cramming in as many extra-curriculars as humanly possible.

Straight after my last final (literally- my last final was at 3, we left at 4), my family loaded up in the motorhome for the annual trip to Mazatlan, Mexico. We spent 2.5 weeks beaching, eating tacos, playing games, and spending time together. This year, Jen's boyfriend Brad drove down with us and flew home before Christmas and Tyler's girlfriend Emily flew down before Christmas and the 2 of them flitted off for an adventure which eventually led them to Costa Rica after some misadventures on plane, bus, and taxi. They made it home safely though with stories to tell about a week into the new year. Brad and Jen got engaged on the beach at sunset and will be getting married this May. All of us are excruciatingly happy for them, they are a great couple and Jen deserves to be with a great guy like Brad. Of course this means I will be roommate-less come spring, so if anybody is looking for a place, or a new roomie who is clean, respectful, well behaved, and bakes vegan cookies like you've never eaten, send them my way.

Still stuck at my horrible job for now. I lay in bed every morning pinned to the sheets with dread, knowing that when my feet hit the floor I have to begin getting ready to go there and confine myself to my cubicle for what feels like a vast eternity. I am on the job hunt now that things have slowed down and gotten back to normal after being home from vacation and settling in the the life of a graduate. I never imagined how difficult it would be for me to work only one job for 40 hours a week, especially after how busy I was during my academic career, but sitting at a cubicle staring at my screens, repeating the same tedious, mundane tasks is murderous. I shouldn't complain, I am lucky to have a job really, and the pain of it all is a great motivation to find a new job! I have committed to applying for at least one job per day until I get something new, and so far so good. I've applied for a few event planning type jobs, some office or personal assistant jobs, and have been researching judicial jobs for something I am qualified for since where I would really like to be is in that environment. I think I will start studying for the LSAT over the summer and take the test by the fall so I can start working on applications before the end of the year. That is the tentative plan anyway, things in my head change with the wind, but I have been getting better with being less fickle. 

Speaking of less fickle, The BF and I have now been dating for over 6 months, and going strong so far. I've never dated anyone as easy going as he is. We have a great time together, a smooth chemistry, whether we are going out or staying in doing nothing. He makes things in life so easy and fun, not to mention uproariously hilarious. He is unshakingly supportive of me, of who I am, and of things I want to do. He's even surprisingly feministic, though I don't know if he realizes it because it's just the way he operates, it's not something that he really strives for.

All things considered, my life is going well. It is going at least. Focusing on the good things that happen is important for sanity. Even when there is some ideal, some seemingly unattainable thing waving delicately in the distance, I try to remind myself that even if I had everything I wanted, all my current dreams and goals were attained, there would still be something else out there I would want to strive for, and that is what helps keep people in constant motion, that hope for something else. So keeping in mind the real brevity of life, of special moments, of excruciating long days at work, of laughing over dinner with friends, of stimulating conversations, of sick days on the couch watching 30 Rock and Venture Brothers, of quiet moments alone to write, of the miles of road traveled in a vehicle over the years, remembering that all these things pass so quickly helps to keep things in a more positively reflective scope and scale. And that is what I am getting out of this song today. That you can make yourself miserable focusing on what you don't, what you might, what you want in life, or you can live as best you can, striving for the recognition of what is happening now, current, and know the future will come eventually, no matter what.

Modest Mouse- "Lives"
Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math
When you were alive
No ones gonna play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right? And it's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember:
My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch
I like this
My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?